I'm a Gonna Win: Mario Kart Tourney

Every fall, the men of DXC adopt an unofficial team video game. No one ever really plans for this to happen, but we spend so much time at the XC house trying to entertain ourselves (usually during the three-week span that was preseason, RIP) that it becomes inevitable. My freshman year, it was Left for Dead, and last year it was Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. This year’s game took a little longer to emerge, but by the end of term, there was no doubt that Mario Kart 64 reigned supreme among the members of the men’s team.

As athletes, we’re competitive by nature, so it was only a matter of time before people started talking trash about who the best player on the team was. Many were vocal about proclaiming their dominance, but none more so than Mike, who, after honing his skills during a year spent playing Dylan Summers in their three-room East Wheelock double, believed himself to be the team’s greatest player. In the end, Mike didn’t take into account the obsessive nature of Phil and Will’s personalities (two people who are either naturally good at everything, or who spend so much time practicing a skill that they force themselves to be good), but that’s skipping ahead a little bit. Anyway, it was decided that the team would hold a World Cup-style tournament to determine the ultimate Mario Kart player, with class bragging rights also on the line.

Here were the rules Mike came up with:

RULES: 19 people entered, so the best I could do was 5 groups of three, 1 group of four.  If anyone is unable to participate in the near future, the last member of that group of 4 will join the group that has an absence.  Race all 16 courses, in the order that they are presented in the game (so starting with Luigi Raceway and finishing at Rainbow Raceway).  Points will be awarded as follows for each race:

1st- 3 points
2nd- 2 points
3rd- 1 point
4th- 0 points

At the end of all the racing for the group, tally points and blitz me with the amount of 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place finishes that each person had.  The 6 group winners and the next 2 highest scorers will move to the semifinal round of 8, where there will be 2 groups of 4.  From there, the top 2 in each group will go to the final four, where it's winner take all.  Ties for 1st place in a preliminary group or for the wild card will be broken by who won more races, if still tied then who got more seconds.  If STILL tied, then a one-race tiebreaker will be held at an agreed-upon course.

For the semifinals and finals, we moved to a 4-2-1-0 scoring system in order to incentivize victories.

The groups were seeded, with Mike, Adam and Steve drawn together in the Group of Death. If those races were held today, with a much-improved Steve, the results may have been different; instead, both Mike and Adam advanced to the semis (’13s are nasty). Aside from that, all the favorites advanced, with Dave punishing a pitiful effort from the freshman class by winning all 16 races against Joey, Matt K. and Taylor. The only class that fared worse than the ’16s was the ’15s, who only entered two racers, neither of whom made it out of their group. The ’13s showed impressive depth, sending five of six through to the semis, while Will and John packed a formidable 1-2 punch for the ’14s. The upperclassmen-heavy semifinals looked as follows:

Group A

John

Phil

Tim

Jonathan

Group B

Dave

Will

Mike

Adam

Group A played first, with Phil jumping out to an early lead, notching four firsts and seven seconds over the first 12 races. With four races to go, both John and Phil had separated from Tim and me, and even though Phil let up, getting last in three of the four races, both advanced comfortably to the finals. John led the way in the group with eight wins, including the last four, while Phil was second with four wins. Tim and I each won twice (apparently I’m good in cold weather as my two wins were Frappe Snowland and Sherbert Land). Tim finished third, while my nine last-place finishes doomed me to last. 

Group B featured many delays, and it was finally decided that I would replace Adam as the final racer since getting everyone together at the same time was proving to be impossible. After a semi-respectable showing in Group A (I did win two races), I was optimistic that I would not be embarrassed, but it was not to be. As Dave and Will pulled away, I took solace in the fact that Mike, who had been so cocky on the eve of the tournament, was also going to be eliminated. Though I hate to see a fellow ’13 do poorly, after observing Will, Dave, John and Phil in practice, I knew that Mike was way too confident entering the tournament and that he would have to face the music once he lost (which he did, admirably). 

Thus, the final was set, and just like cross country, there was a team and individual title on the line. With two ’13s (Phil and Dave) versus two ’14s (John and Will), it really was a battle for the title of “Best Class Ever” (even though if we scored five, as we do in XC, the ’13s would probably pull out the win). There was much excitement on the team prior to the final, and Henry, Matt K. and I were on hand to take splits, which we stopped after about the third race because A) it was much harder than it seemed and B) it was completely pointless.

The field was bunched in the early going, with three different racers winning the first three races. As always, Moo Moo Farm turned into an unpredictable battle, with Will going from first in the previous race to last at Moo Moo. At the midway point, Will and Dave sat in a tie for first with 16 points, while Phil and John were tied for third with 12 apiece. Obviously, the team standings were also tied at that point. 

As the races continued, the stress of competition began to impact the combatants, as Phil struggled through a run of rotten luck while John almost caused a schism between Papas Jo(h)n when he blamed my announcing for his failure to achieve victory. Starting with Mario Circuit, Will won four of five races to build a commanding lead. Dave, on the other hand, faltered down the stretch, collecting four lasts and a third in the final five races to drop into last place. Ultimately, Dave’s mistake-free style was not enough, as the longer races of the Star and Special Cups revealed his fatal flaw: an inability to drift. Even though Phil was well out of it by the end, he rebounded to win the final two races on the strength of his drifting, something that is vital to success at a course like Rainbow Road. John used a strong second half to finish second, but he could not catch Will, who, as he did on the cross country course all season, finished as Dartmouth’s #1 man. 

Here are the official final results, via Coach Sterling.

Just the Facts

	Will	Dave	Phil	John
Luigi Raceway	4	1	0	2
Moomoo Farm	0	4	1	2
Koopa Troopa	1	2	4	0
Kalimari	4	2	1	0
Toad's Turnpike	1	4	0	2
Frapper	2	0	4	1
Choco	0	1	2	4
Mario	4	2	0	1
Wario Stadium	1	2	0	4
Sherbert Land	4	1	0	2
Royal Raceway	4	2	0	1
Bowser Castle	4	0	2	1
DK Jungle	2	1	0	4
Yoshi Valley	1	0	2	4
Banshee BW	2	0	4	1
Rainbow Road	2	0	4	1
Final	36	22	24	30

Random thoughts (from Henry): The ’14s are nasty. 

Sadly, it’s hard to argue with him. All in all, the tournament was a blast, and while it’s unclear whether the ’13s depth is more impressive than the ’14s firepower up front (I say it’s about even), we can all agree that the upperclassmen are far superior to the hapless ’15s and ’16s.

-Jon Gault '13

 Everyone had a hard time avoiding the bananas